Goodbye, Bruce Lee.

Yesterday was the last day of Martial Arts for the kids.

The kids have been going to Martial Arts class two times a week for two years, which means I have been going to Martial Arts class two times a week for two years.

I have loved it in ways I didn’t know I could love a sport.

My lineage isn’t entirely athletic, even though my dad was on a softball team for a million years, and I technically did play on a softball team called the Sprouts, which was officially the worst softball team in the league.  Although, I don’t know if throwing a 4th grader into left field for 2 years really counts as “playing on a softball team”  but I was there, and I have the picture to prove it.

I look exactly the same.  Maybe a little bigger now.  But that’s debatable.

The origins of our Martial Arts experience began after we were done with one season of a homeschooling group.

If you think I am cut out for a group of (very nice) suburban homeschooling moms, you are sorely mistaken.  They are all very nice.  Lovely kids. Very boring. Not my type.

I remember the last day of that homeschool group.  It was supposed to be a half day of presentations from all the age groups, and some awards…and it just never ended.  We got there at 9am, and around 1pm I had had quite enough of the self-congratulatory celebration; So we took off halfway through the final day of their never-ending deal and went home, never to return.

After that I wanted to find something that would train the kids with more than self-contratulatory nonsense, and something a little  more worthwhile.  Something that encouraged self-responsibility, self-motivation, honoring and respecting your team and enforced memorization.

Martial Arts was  perfect.

For the past 2 years, it was perfect.  It was everything I didn’t know it could be.  It was fantastic for the kids, and it was 2 hours of a break for me.

But those days are over.  Goodbye, Bruce Lee.

So, thanks to life and moving and planning and laundry and homeschool and breathing and blinking…I’m just worn out right now.  At least today I am.  Yesterday I was kind of okay, but the day before (whatever day that was) I was on top of the world.  Everything was great, and I could accomplish anything I set my mind to!

Go me!

Lately I have my ups and downs in wild swings, which I usually don’t fall prey to.  In general, I am a confident, modern, even-tempered American woman.   Nothing sways me but moving trains, and even then they stop for me.  I am in control of my destiny!  Carpe Diem!  Pax Tamarahicana!

Somehow, the impending “moving our family out of state within the next few weeks” can creep up on you and smother your Pax Tamarahicana like a soaked down comforter.

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and when I am up and things are totally good!  I get a lot of writing finished, I am optimistic about the future, and overall things go well.  I laugh easily, I make interesting dinners and I am great at conversation at night.

That is generally what happens when things are up.

When things are down, I can’t even figure out how to put on my shoes without breaking down.

*sob* “Maybe I need slip on shoes that are easier to put on.” *sob* “I can’t handle these laces, because I just know they are going to come undone at some point, and it is so hard to bend over and tie them.” *sob* “Maybe I need boots….EXCEPT I HAD BOOTS AND THEY WERE LEFT OUTSIDE DURING THE ENTIRE WINTER BEHIND A BOX, AND NOW THE SOLES PEELED OFF.  I CAN’T EVEN HAVE BOOTS.”

Last night Ben saved me and brought home KFC.  It was the greasiest, most bland potatoey meal with 110% awesome coleslaw (no gravy for the Celiac 😦  )…that filled my soul with rest.  I didn’t have to clean up after dinner and I didn’t have to worry about anything except degreasing fingers before people left the kitchen.  That KFC dinner was the best part of my day.  It was rest, and I needed that.

Listen.  Most of the time it is the little things that break you.  The big things you can work with, find solutions, feel like you accomplished something when you recover.  But the little things add up like little, suffocating, poisonous molehills that you can’t sweep away entirely.  There is always some little granules of sand that linger and keep wearing you down.

It is generally the little things that get’cha in the end.

My advice for blogging has always been: if you can’t write, edit.

I think that is awesome advice.  I wish I could pitch this advice, it is so good.

In my Post section, I currently have 64 Drafts sitting there.  64 Drafts.  Just waiting to be edited and published.

This is what happens when I look at any of my Drafts:

Somehow, I am sure it was a good idea at some point, otherwise I wouldn’t have written it down.  Maybe I am just being overly critical, and I should give this idea another chance?  Listen, write it out.  Get some ideas on the page.  Make an outline with supporting bits and create something.  You’re a writer!  You can do this!

Yet, the more you write, the more disgusted you are with your ideas.

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This is junk.  This is horrible.  You need to stop writing and move on, my friend.

Most of the time, this is what I have to force myself to do.  Let go of crazy ideas and let them wither and die and never write about them.  For the greater good.

It is better to have quality writing than tripe.  Says the woman who still hasn’t published a novel (it’s almost done!!).

So, it is Friday night.

I am worn out.  February looms over me like an albatross.  As a writer, on a Friday night, the weekend of the Superbowl, I am obligated to make a wise decision that will save the integrity of my writing.

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/Goodbye, Bruce Lee.

There are qualities we look for in leaders that stand out above all the media, all the confetti and all the roadside banners.

Qualities that represent honesty, integrity and character.

My fellow Americans, I offer you my services as Mayor.  Before I promise lower property taxes, better roads, more transparent infrastructure, or balanced budgets, I feel strongly in my qualifications to be Mayor through my history in public service:

1.  I Fully Support Local Firefighters!

Especially the little ones!

2. America Has The 2nd Ammendment For A Reason. 

And it isn’t to let it go to waste.

3. We Have History In Our Families, And In Our Nation.  

We should remember and honor both.

My great-grandparents, whose great-grandparents emmigrated from Scotland.

The home of John and Abigail Adams’, who helped build this nation and teach its children through a school they built on their land.

4. Encouraging Our Children To Learn in the Sciences, As Well As The Arts

5. What We’re Here For:  God, Family, Country

The other night I was watching the State of the Union address with Ben.

I was listening to how great things are going, and what amazing plans they have for the future, and how much better we are than Russia.  Making friends, as always.  Good stuff.

The best parts were the Rebublicans who didn’t move, and the President who threw snark at them like a pro. Politics, politics, politics.

And all I could think of the whole time was….

I could do this.

Oh, I know. It’s a tough job.  It may take “people skillz” that I may, or may not, have.

But you know, I could do this.

I already have 2 people who have vowed to vote for me.  One friend said she would sample the wine on Airforce 1 to make sure it wasn’t poisoned for me; and that is loyalty you just can’t buy with campaign stickers.

Unfortunately, though, I can’t be President.

This is not because I cannot handle the job, or because I am only 36.  I cannot be President only because I have not held a public office yet.

Which means I need to be Mayor first.

Mayor Rockwood

So, I will need to start my campaign now.  Get a head start on things.

There shall herefor be more Parades to celebrate lower Property Taxes!  Huzzah!

Project: Mayor

Subject: Me

Votes Needed: Many, My Friend!

Yesterday I had 2 errands to take care of.

GIS: “running errands,” and got “Hillary Duff Running Errands.”

I totally look like this when I run errands.  I can hold my purse with one hand.  Skinny jeans.  Unstained white shirt. BOOTS.  We’re basically the same person.

• Kids martial arts from 3-4:30
• Target, to buy a new coffee maker

I got a lot of writing done during martial arts, which was fantastic.  Conrad played MineCraft on my phone while Nova and Glenn were in class, and Nova and Glenn finished up their schoolwork while Conrad was in class.  Win-win, all around.

After classes were over we hopped in the car and headed over to Target for a new coffee pot

Yes, I took a picture of my purple coffee pot.  And Instagrammed it.  Because.

See, we can’t keep a coffee pot as a long-term relationship option.  It doesn’t matter what brand, what style, what warranty, what store or what the barometric pressure is outside…our coffee pot will die after 1 1/2 years.

The last time a coffee pot died was when Ben was out of town, and I woke up to an unresponsive pot.  It was a cold shoulder I was not prepared for, and since we had traveled over an hour to go to a specialty store to pick up this “guaranteed” coffee pot with “gravity drip system” (gravity, people), I was enormously displeased that it failed me; along with a long list of coffee pots who have also failed me.

I took the kids to Target and got a cheap, $19 purple coffee pot.  Because who cares, at this point. It is going to break in a month, most likely, and at least I am only out $19.  That’s like, 3 lattes.  So, it’s a good deal, all in all.

We drink way more coffee than the average person.

As a SAHM, I know for a fact that I drink more than most SAHMs in America.

I just like coffee.  A lot.  Granted, over the years I have tried to cut down for health reasons.  I don’t need my heart skipping down the lane just because I have had too much coffee.  So, 2 cups in the morning, sometimes 3.  1 or 2 cups in the afternoon.  Sometimes Irish Coffees at night.  That isn’t unreasonable, I don’t think.  It isn’t 10 cups a day or anything (*cough*College*cough*)

So, after +2 years, the remarkable purple coffee pot finally broke.  It is understandable, since they all leave us at some point.  You never know when it will happen though, so you are never prepared for it when it comes time.

Yesterday morning I filled the reservoir and placed the basket of Costcos’ Folgers grinds into the pot, and I pushed the only button it had: START.

This was seriously a basic coffee pot.  It heated the water, it dripped the water and the carafe caught the dripping coffee.  It had one button to start the process, and it was the same button to end the process.  It was uncomplicated, unsophisticated and it didn’t challenge any of our decisions.  It started when we requested it, and it stopped when we demanded it. And if we ignored it, it did nothing but the last request we asked of it (we may have left it on for over 12 hours a few times).

The difference yesterday was that the pot may have turned the little white “ON” light, but it never heated the water.  It never dripped over the grounds.  It never dripped into the glass carafe.

I was stuck drinking Via all day.

Which, granted, is better than Folger’s Instant French Roast coffee…Via is actually a pretty decent cuppa.  But it isn’t the same, and by the time I got to Target at 5 I was tired.  Very tired.

So tired that I was walking through the parking lot of Target pushing a shopping cart, and I saw a car had their headlights on. I said, “Oh shoot, I forgot to turn mine on!” and actually reached with my hand to turn the headlights of my cart on.

They get it.

It was so nice to get home and brew a normal pot of coffee.  I felt back to my normal self after a cup and a half in front of a fire.  It was lovely.

This morning was quite different than yesterday morning.

I woke up to coffee THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN BREWED FOR ME.  Be still my uncaffeinated heart.

You see, this coffee pot has an “AUTO” button.  And a clock.  You can get these two things to work together, apparently, to brew coffee on demand.  I am so happy.  So happy.  Caffeinated tears of joy.

During the day, the coffee pot would turn itself off after 2 hours…which threw us off a little.

“Did you turn the pot off?”

“No, I thought you turned it off?”

“Is it turning off on its own after 2 hours??”

“Dude, that is messed up.  We didn’t ask it to turn off.  It should ask us before it makes that decision for us!”

“I know!  I wasn’t ready to be done with this pot yet.  This is plain manipulation of our coffee pot.”

“This is messed up.”

Friends, I learned about my entitled, jerk self today when I didn’t like when my coffee pot chose to turn itself off without consulting me first.

It is Monday afternoon, and I am about a third of the way through completing what I need to do for today.

I thought I’d take a break…and frame my week before I keep going.

At least before I make another pot of coffee…

Last week was really good…but also really hard.  Ben was gone for a very long time, doing super-awesome Ben stuff, and although I was just having a normal week at home with the kids and I wasn’t doing anything particularly extraordinary…it is harder without having him around to keep me going.  When he is gone I don’t have the encouraging smile.  I can’t talk to him during the day, I can’t cuddle with him on the couch.  The nights are cold and lonely.  And, to make it worse, the app Find Friends is completely unhelpful.

I KNOW HE ISN’T IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SOUND!  STOP FREAKING ME OUT!

Thank you, HGTTG.

So, this week we begin again!

We are starting an Algebra book in school today, which is super exciting!  It’s a little early, granted, but I have just had this feeling that the older kids were ready to be introduced to it.  We have done a few pages so far, and although I had to google “algebraic expression” this morning, they are rolling with it and I think we’re going to do great!

Also, the oldest is getting into this Sherlock Holmes book I found; and I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am about this.  But I can’t freak out over it because it might scare her off from reading, so I have to have this calm, yet enthusiastically supportive exterior that shows I am proud of her and not going mad doing cartwheels inside my head.

I’ve done some school work with the younger kids, done 1 (of 3) loads of dishes, made breakfast (cinnamon pancakes), lunch (soup), put on a bra and made coffee.

So, I’m doing pretty good for noon!

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The main problem I’m facing right now is the emotional drain that has been slowly creeping over me during the days.

Last week we were going back and forth between our agent, and the sellers agent, and the seller, back to her agent, back to our agent, back to us all about house inspections, and septic inspections, and problems the septic has and what needs to be fixed, and mold problems, and then well inspections, and documentation of well developments.  Then signing papers,and resigning, and rewording the papers and changing the figures and signing it again.

Our agent is amazing, and he is doing a fantastic job getting things done quickly and efficiently, and he is making this whole process as easy as possible for us.

But it is still a lot of work for everyone involved, and that is one thing taking its toll on me.

The worst right now is that our community of people have let go of us, and that’s a little sad.  We aren’t gone yet, but we will be.  So it might be easier for them to let go now.

I have to remind myself, and a few very wonderfully lovely friends whom I love so much and am so grateful to have them in my life have reminded me that even though it is hard to watch some people go, it (and these are my words) doesn’t mean I suck with relationships.  It just means sometimes some people are here for a season.  And that’s okay.  I wasn’t looking forward to saying goodbye, and it isn’t easy when people say goodbye months before you have left…but, honestly, that’s life.

What I am looking forward to is where we are going.

We have already made a ton of friends in our new home, we are on the same page with the families there and I have already been invited to coffee when we arrive.  My kids keep asking when we can visit friends when we move, and if we can invite them to the next birthday party (yes!!).  I am looking forward to getting to know families we already know better, other families who are homeschooling, families who are drawn to island life, and just kick ass people Ben has gotten to know already.  It is abundantly clear we are being led to our people, and….although I am trying not to heroize, or immortalize the future…I am still very excited for what it holds for us.

So today, I am going to rip off a tag and take what I need.  Just for today.  I have a feeling it will be the tag of “courage,” or “healing,” or “understanding.”  Tomorrow, I will take what I need to frame the day.  Just for tomorrow.