What My New, Programmable Coffee Pot Taught Me About My Entitled, Jerk Self

Yesterday I had 2 errands to take care of.

GIS: “running errands,” and got “Hillary Duff Running Errands.”

I totally look like this when I run errands.  I can hold my purse with one hand.  Skinny jeans.  Unstained white shirt. BOOTS.  We’re basically the same person.

  • Kids martial arts from 3-4:30
  • Target, to buy a new coffee maker

I got a lot of writing done during martial arts, which was fantastic.  Conrad played MineCraft on my phone while Nova and Glenn were in class, and Nova and Glenn finished up their schoolwork while Conrad was in class.  Win-win, all around.

After classes were over we hopped in the car and headed over to Target for a new coffee pot

Screenshot 2015-01-23 17.41.20Yes, I took a picture of my purple coffee pot.  And Instagrammed it.  Because.

See, we can’t keep a coffee pot as a long-term relationship option.  It doesn’t matter what brand, what style, what warranty, what store or what the barometric pressure is outside…our coffee pot will die after 1 1/2 years.

The last time a coffee pot died was when Ben was out of town, and I woke up to an unresponsive pot.  It was a cold shoulder I was not prepared for, and since we had traveled over an hour to go to a specialty store to pick up this “guaranteed” coffee pot with “gravity drip system” (gravity, people), I was enormously displeased that it failed me; along with a long list of coffee pots who have also failed me.

I took the kids to Target and got a cheap, $19 purple coffee pot.  Because who cares, at this point. It is going to break in a month, most likely, and at least I am only out $19.  That’s like, 3 lattes.  So, it’s a good deal, all in all.

We drink way more coffee than the average person.

As a SAHM, I know for a fact that I drink more than most SAHMs in America.

I just like coffee.  A lot.  Granted, over the years I have tried to cut down for health reasons.  I don’t need my heart skipping down the lane just because I have had too much coffee.  So, 2 cups in the morning, sometimes 3.  1 or 2 cups in the afternoon.  Sometimes Irish Coffees at night.  That isn’t unreasonable, I don’t think.  It isn’t 10 cups a day or anything (*cough*College*cough*)

So, after +2 years, the remarkable purple coffee pot finally broke.  It is understandable, since they all leave us at some point.  You never know when it will happen though, so you are never prepared for it when it comes time.

Yesterday morning I filled the reservoir and placed the basket of Costcos’ Folgers grinds into the pot, and I pushed the only button it had: START.

This was seriously a basic coffee pot.  It heated the water, it dripped the water and the carafe caught the dripping coffee.  It had one button to start the process, and it was the same button to end the process.  It was uncomplicated, unsophisticated and it didn’t challenge any of our decisions.  It started when we requested it, and it stopped when we demanded it. And if we ignored it, it did nothing but the last request we asked of it (we may have left it on for over 12 hours a few times).

The difference yesterday was that the pot may have turned the little white “ON” light, but it never heated the water.  It never dripped over the grounds.  It never dripped into the glass carafe.

I was stuck drinking Via all day.

Which, granted, is better than Folger’s Instant French Roast coffee…Via is actually a pretty decent cuppa.  But it isn’t the same, and by the time I got to Target at 5 I was tired.  Very tired.

So tired that I was walking through the parking lot of Target pushing a shopping cart, and I saw a car had their headlights on. I said, “Oh shoot, I forgot to turn mine on!” and actually reached with my hand to turn the headlights of my cart on.

They get it.

It was so nice to get home and brew a normal pot of coffee.  I felt back to my normal self after a cup and a half in front of a fire.  It was lovely.

This morning was quite different than yesterday morning.

I woke up to coffee THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN BREWED FOR ME.  Be still my uncaffeinated heart.

You see, this coffee pot has an “AUTO” button.  And a clock.  You can get these two things to work together, apparently, to brew coffee on demand.  I am so happy.  So happy.  Caffeinated tears of joy.

During the day, the coffee pot would turn itself off after 2 hours…which threw us off a little.

“Did you turn the pot off?”

“No, I thought you turned it off?”

“Is it turning off on its own after 2 hours??”

“Dude, that is messed up.  We didn’t ask it to turn off.  It should ask us before it makes that decision for us!”

“I know!  I wasn’t ready to be done with this pot yet.  This is plain manipulation of our coffee pot.”

“This is messed up.”

Friends, I learned about my entitled, jerk self today when I didn’t like when my coffee pot chose to turn itself off without consulting me first.


2 thoughts on “What My New, Programmable Coffee Pot Taught Me About My Entitled, Jerk Self

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