Christmas Shopping For Your Geek

On April 24, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Chances are, in this day and age, you are some percentage of geek.

Honestly, I am pretty low on the percentage, even though my husband is a certified geek and even though we live near Silicon Valley…but I LOVE geek culture. It’s so much more interesting than literary culture (I am actually not even close to being angsty enough to even like to be *around* literature nerds).

Geeks are inventive, creative, smug (which can be good or bad, depending on your own smug %), and brimming with knowledge. This is where I excel: I know stuff about lots of stuff. If you have ever seen the Hepburn/Tracy movie, “Desk Set,” which is very unlikely….BUT YOU SHOULD WATCH IT….I would love to have Bunny Watson’s career. Her job is to know stuff so other departments can use her as a reference, and she works in the reference library, so she just researches stuff all day. She’s pre-google, I guess.

It’s beautiful. I would love to do that for the rest of my life. But anyway.

So, Christmas is coming up…and the thing about geeks is that they are extremely particular about what they like, and how they like what they like.

If you think you are getting them hardware for Christmas (because they like hardware, don’t they?), you’re making a HUGE mistake. Huge. I guarantee you’ll be getting the wrong thing from the wrong vendor, and it’s the wrong model in the wrong color.

That’s just the way it is, so don’t even think about getting them anything in this area, UNLESS they have given you the link themselves. For example, that is how I got my husband a very specific sliderule for Christmas last year: from some remote dude in the middle of Germany. There is only one of these in the world, and Ben sent me the link. That worked, and I still wrapped it.

Mostly for me.

So hardware is out, software is probably out…if they wanted software, chances are they already have it, have already ordered it, have it on backorder or is waiting for some special sale/day/discount/the planets to align to buy it already. So software is out.

Geeks are really hard to buy for. Especially on days like Christmas when you genuinely want to show them how much you love them, and give them a gift of gratitude. What on earth do you do?!

Okay, here are the Ten Tinsel ideas I have to help you Christmas shop for your Geek:

1. Gamer Dad T shirts from CafePress

2. You could always go the Think Geek route in their “pamper the Patriarch” theme. You can never go wrong with Think Geek.

3. There is Newegg, but you’re really going to have to do your homework before ordering from this one.

4. You will always score with Arduino kits (http://arduino.cc/en/Main/ArduinoStarterKit)

5. Geeks are naturally collectors. They collect things in series…so find out what they collect (books, journals, figures, dice, cards…?) and add to their collection. This is a very special and personal gift. However, if you get them the wrong one, or one they already have, or from the wrong year,etc., you’re going to be up a creek. So do a ton of homework before you buy anything!

6. There is Geekologie. The functional arcade buttons, alone, are worth checking out. I am already trying to figure out how to replace my doorbell with one of these. Or put one outside my bedroom door. Or in the kitchen and hook the garbage disposal to it. Or put it in the bathroom and wire an airfreshener to it. Heck, what can’t you do with a button??

7. Then there is just the simple Geek Dad site. Ben already has all the Geek Dad books and a Geek Dad shirt, so I have no where to go with this one. But you should check it out.

8. Cards: I don’t know how it is with your Geek, but we aren’t really card people. Now, despite this fact (that we actually just came to realize over a conversation the other night when we finally looked at the list of “5 Languages of Love” that has been going around for years and years, and I’ve just guessed at until we said to each other, “have you actually read the list/book? Ya, me either.” Anyway, we found out we aren’t card-people.) we still get cards for special events. It is a good time to write something epically poetic, and I guarantee you…Ben is a master at flowing words. I looove his cards because they are just so beautiful to read. So, if you are going to get your Geek a card, at least get him something geek-worthy. Zazzle.com is a good option.

9. Video games. I know nothing about this section, so you’re on your own.

10. Finally: make sure you let him know how much you appreciate him as a husband and a father. Let him know you know what he really wants, and ….you know….”show him when the kids go to bed.” (trashy.com ….just putting it out there)

A Million Little Rabbit Trails

On April 24, 2014April 27, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

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This morning I posted a response in a forum, and went about my day without thinking about it much. Little did I know how many people would message me thank you notes about what I wrote (it’s over 400 by now…just absolutely mind blowing). I thought I’d bring my reply to here, just in case there was anyone else who would like to read it!

The question was along the lines of, “Am I expecting to much by wanting my wife to keep an orderly house?”

“This is going to be a really touchy subject. I battled with this for a long time (as a wife), and there isn’t really a clear way to handle it. The thing is, at least for me, I had always worked before kids. I always went to college and worked and had this great purpose in life. And now my only job is laundry and dishes, and in my mind, none of it mattered. No one asks about projects I did anymore, no one talked to me about my purpose in life. Things just got really meaningless and depressing, and I just gave up after a while.

On one hand, you are absolutely correct with your position. You aren’t asking too much, and she should have the house together.

But on the other hand, she’s probably feeling extremely belittled with what she does all day. The things I did before I stayed home were real estate, art galleries, literature and poetry. And now I am in charge of mopping, which you can pay someone else to do. It’s a huge step down on the social ladder, and you really feel it. EVEN THOUGH I wanted nothing more than to stay home and raise our kids…no one cares what you have to say anymore, because you’re just a housewife. So, you just start giving up, and it reflects on your duties in the house…

The big change for me, which won’t help you at all, was when I started homeschooling. It gave me a creative outlet and a greater purpose during the day, and I could take pride in talking about what I did for a living again. If you can restore this aspect in your wife, you will build her up and she will be able to work happily in what she does.

If you want something a little more pragmatic, try looking into flylady.com. She is annoyingly organized, but her simple task of “Shine your sink” helped me get a handle on cleaning the kitchen and not getting overwhelmed with the enormity of the dishes.

Also, help her break the situation down into edible bits. “Cleaning the house” is very different than “picking up the toys in the bathtub.” There were many times I would just cry from being overwhelmed with the house, because where on earth do you start (fyi, you cannot answer that…just a head’s up 🙂 ). Just start with something small. Tidy the kids bathroom. Then that’s done. Now just put the clothes in the kids room away. Just one thing at a time. Because the way her mind works, she’s not only thinking about the clothes she’s picking up, but do they fit still? Do you need to get new clothes by now? Do you need a better dresser to organize them? That reminds me, we have the clothes in the closet that haven’t been hung up in a month, but we need more hangers. I need to go to Target and get more hangers. And while I’m at Target I need bananas, and we’re out of bread, and I don’t know what we’re having for dinner tonight, but I’m not in the mood to cook, maybe I’ll get something frozen…..

Women’s minds are a million rabbit trails. If you can help her focus on just ONE thing without getting overwhelmed with a million things, or the future of the house, or her purpose in life in the universe…you’re on a good track.

So You Start Living With This Idea…

On April 24, 2014April 27, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

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Philosophy class should be as terrifying to people as clowns.

It can royally mess with your head. Because before you walk in to the class, you think: things are good. Pretty static. When you fall, you call down, not sideways. Life’s good!

And then you learn about Philosophy, and your head explodes. Anything that is a fact is actually something that someone created/imagined up, and the details of the fact could change at any moment. You may turn green. It’s possible!!

Ugh. Anyway, so philosophy is hard for some of us to handle. Ben reads philosophy like a duck on water: they just belong together. I take to philosophy like a labrador on lsd. It’s not pretty, and people get hurt.

Fortunately, I healed after a while and I forgot about the big parts of the class upon which I wigged out. There was one example, though, which the professor was trying to get us to think bigger…and it just messed me up. It’s not a big thing, so hold on:

He dropped the eraser once. And it fell. He picked it up and dropped it again. And it fell again. He picked it up and asked us if it would fall again? The answer was no.

Why was it no? It was no because it didn’t have to fall. It wasn’t destined to fall. Gravity caused it to fall…and that was a causation principle…but it didn’t “have to” fall.

That messed me up for purely independent reasons. I was dealing withpartial simple epilepsy seizures at the time, and I hadn’t yet been diagnosed. I didn’t even know at the time that they *were* seizures; I just knew that sometimes my mind went **poof** like dandelion seeds. So this idea that reality doesn’t “have to” be constant was terrifying. After I got control over the seizures, the fear that bridges would suddenly disappear under me subsided. (whew…it wasn’t that bad, it was just weird. For the record.)

However, the idea that reality could change always stuck with me. I don’t have to be here. I could be somewhere else. I don’t have to vote Republican. I could not vote at all. I don’t have to watch TV, I don’t have to listen to the radio, I don’t have to read popular literature, I don’t have to go to dive bars, I don’t have to buy into the system…..I don’t have to do anything.

Which is an interesting concept, if you think about it: I don’t have to do anything.

So, if you start living with this idea, that you don’t have to do anything, where do you start doing something? What motivates you do do something at all? Things, actions, relationships become much more deliberate with this force behind you. I don’t have to listen to junk. I can listen to interesting things and people. I don’t have to read drivel. I can read mind inspiring ideas. I don’t have to go to groups. I can participate in intimate relationships with individuals, instead.

I can homeschool my kids, instead of having to send them to a school with which I don’t agree. I can have a solid relationship with my husband, instead of relying on other people to fulfill my emotional needs. I can raise chickens in the city, instead of believing that I can’t.

I remember when I was preparing to go to Beijing with Ben and the fam, there was a woman I was talking with at a fountain while our kids played in the water. She was nervous about moving somewhere, and it came up that we were on our way to Beijing soon. I will never forget what she said: “You can’t do that. You can’t go to China with your kids. You can’t go!”

I can 🙂 I can go, we can take our kids, and we can build a new future for our family. And not only did we, but we LOVED it. It was by far one of the most amazing things we have ever done!

Reality isn’t fixed. We can change our situations, we can raise our kids better, we can have loving relationships with our spouses, we can support our huge family on one income, we can travel long distances with little kids, we can grow our own food, we can teach our own kids….we can be successful in life. And anyone who says differently isn’t looking through the windows of opportunity life has built into the walls which frame our lives.

I am telling you, you can. And it has probably been done before…so it can’t be that hard!

Some Frugal Tips From A Frugal Mom: No Coupons

On April 24, 2014April 26, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

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Coupons have always been like little pearls you find, enticing you with hopes and dreams of saving money. And if you use coupons, you really do save money! However, the way I cook and the way we eat over here is very specific, and coupons are of very little use to me.

Also adding in the fact that I am feeding 7 people every day, and we homeschool, and Ben works from home…that adds up to a lot of meals every week. Things can get expensive if you don’t plan ahead!Now, this can be a very touchy subject for women. If couponing works for you, then for goodness sake, keep couponing! What I’m saying is for anyone who doesn’t have the time to coupon, who has very specific diets, and who need another idea, this is for you.

So, let’s just take coupons out of the equation entirely. How can you still be frugal, spend your money wisely, and not sacrifice the quality of food you feed your family?

Think more for less.

Let’s break this down. This is how I see my grocery list. Do I have enough of each food group to serve quality, nutritious meals for every meal?

The 5 main food groups:

Grains – Bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, barley, quinoa, oatmeal

Fruits – apples, bananas, oranges, plums, grapes, cherries, peaches, pears, pineapple

Vegetables – zucchini, yellow squash, acorn squash, spaghetti squash, butternut squash, broccoli, brussel sprouts, green beans, corn, bok choy, cabbage, spinach, kale, lettuce, peas, turnips, beets

Dairy – milk, butter, yogurt, cheese,

Meat/Protein – eggs, chicken, lamb, beef, pork, turkey, ham, fish, soy, beans

Fats/Oils/Sugar – olive oil, coconut oil, sesame oil, canola oil, butter, lard, crisco, sugar, brown sugar, agave sugar

My contention with using coupons is that it doesn’t fit into my model of eating. I’ll give you an example:

The other day I was looking around on frugal sites, and I ran across a list of things someone bought for $51. And it was quite a bit of stuff! From that perspective, she really did make out like a bandit. But when I looked at her stash, it was all useless to me. The problem for me is that it isn’t going to make it very long in this house. This is what it broke down to –

2 frozen pizzas
4 bags of chips
1 bag of shredded cheese
1 package of butter
1 box of minute brown rice
1 bag of white flour
2 boxes of Cheerios
1 carton of vanilla ice cream
1 cucumber
2 heads of broccoli
1 bell pepper
1 package of chicken drumsticks (14 pieces)
3 cans of hormel chili
3 bottles of bbq sauce
1 gallon of milk
6 small bottles of laundry soap

Now, for $51 that is quite a stash! No two ways about it. I could probably go 2 days on this, which is pretty good. But frozen pizzas are not on our menu, ever. And chicken drumsticks are not very filling, especially for the brood we have growing here. And I don’t buy storebought chili, I make it myself. The box of minute rice might feed half the family, but it isn’t going to go very far since I make a pot of 4 cups of rice for dinner. And the 2 boxes of Cheerios aren’t going to last long…

So, even though it is a great stash, it isn’t practical at all for a large family.

What do you do, then?

Think more for less.

1) Instead of the 6 bottles of laundry soap, make your own laundry soap. I go through a large bottle of laundry soap a month for our amount of laundry. That averaged about $25/month, which is not a big deal. But when you add $25 to your grocery bill, on top of everything else, it is a heavy weight on the bill. Instead, I bought a box of borax, a box of Arm & Hammer Washing Soda, a few bars of Fels-Naptha and I made my own. Total amount for the material? $25. How long has it lasted me? Over a year. That is at least $300 savings, alone. That might not seem like much to some, but that is one less thing I have to budget every month, and it is fantastic. Think about what else you can make yourself in your home! Ever looked into vinegar for housecleaning?

2) Get your protein whole. This means, buy eggs as eggs. Buy beans as beans (not in a can). Get meat as meat. I stopped buying chicken pieces years ago and just buy whole chickens. Don’t think of meat as a “frozen lasagna,” or “frozen chicken enchiladas.” Think of meat as buying the meat. One whole chicken at Costco is $4. Buying a $20 50lbs. bag of pinto beans will last you months upon months. Same goes for rice. If you start freezing meats, it will last you all year!

3) No buying premade meals. These things are full of oils, fillers and cheap material. It isn’t worth it to you or your wallet to get them. Example: if you make taquitos from scratch, you only need to eat 3; as opposed to 12 frozen taquitos. If you make your hamburger buns from scratch, you only need one bun per person, rather than serving the fluff burger buns you buy in the store. Real food fills you up a whole lot more than premade food. I’m not promoting any philosophies that premade meals are all filled with weird things and made by machines in factories….what I’m saying is, you will get better nutrition and better bang for your buck if you make it yourself. Plus, you’ll look totally awesome doing it.

4) Break your list down. If you are buying something, especially in bulk, try to get it to $1 or less per item. This is hard to do, and it just takes a lot of practice, but it is a great habit to get into. For example, at one store bell peppers are $1.50. I need 2 or 3 per meal, so that’s up to $4.50 just in bell peppers. Same goes for tomatoes, apples and oranges. If you buy them in bulk, it’s about $5 for the bag, which comes out to $.80 per bell pepper. Also, look for fruit and vegetables that are big and cheap, like pineapple. One pineapple is $3. That is a great deal! A large bag of spinach will last weeks upon weeks, if you put fresh paper towels in the bag to absorb the moisture. That spinach can go in salads, smoothies, sandwiches, casseroles, stirfries…that is a good ingredient that doesn’t cost much that can go a long way.

So, just an example meal:
Chicken Cacciatore
1 can of stewed tomatoes $1
2 sliced bell pepper $1.66
1 whole chicken $4
1 bag of gluten free pasta $4
Total = $10.66

That is what I’m looking for. Good, wholesome food with real ingredients that fills up the family and gives everyone good nutrition…without breaking the bank every night. One thing that I am in favor of is frozen vegetables, but notall frozen vegetables. Frozen bell peppers are fine. Frozen broccoli is squishy, so not fine. Frozen peas, fine. Frozen okra, very fine. Frozen carrots, absolutely forbidden.
Use more with less.

5) Invest in recipe books that suit your style. This will help you find out what to do with all this whole food! Now, I am not a crockpot person. To me, anything that goes into a crockpot is going to come out squishy, and it’s just not worth it. This is one of the reasons why I bought myself an electric pressure cooker: it suited my style of cooking perfectly. I can make a whole pot of chili from dried beans in an hour. I can make split pea soup from dried peas in 11 minutes. One whole chicken takes 26 minutes to cook, and I can use the broth to make rice in 8 minutes. This appliance suited the needs for my home, and it has been worth every penny to us. But if you are a crockpot cooker, put that sucker on the counter and use it every day! If you love baking, get out your pans and get to it!

Food is a major part of our culture, and homemade food is part of our lives. Make the most of it, and be good stewards of your food, your money and your time.

Pruning Your Trash

On April 23, 2014April 27, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

The Correct Way To Prune

Sometimes, and I mean normally, people will let little things slide here and there.

For the most part, you run a tight ship, but there are days when you don’t clean the kitchen as well as usual or when you don’t mind when the living room isn’t actually cleaned up entirely before bed. You have to expect that some days you are just too exhausted to care about the crayons that are still on the kitchen table, or the clothes that are still on the couch. Maybe everyone has been sick, maybe it’s been a busy day, maybe you just need a break from being on top of everything.But you don’t skimp on the big things… just little things.

We all know that those little things add up over time, and in this house they can add up over a day.

What surprised me by the end of yesterday, after going through every room with a broom getting every lego, every sippy cup and every toy out from under every bed, was not how much stuff the kids have. There is a rotation system we have between the toys in the house and the toys in the garage, so there aren’t mountains of toys all over the place.

What was surprising was the amount of trash that was hiding in every pile!

Not trash like banana peels or rotten food…just trash like old drawings, leftover wrapping paper, old worksheets, broken clothespins, fluff from pillows, etc.

But it all added up to be a monster of a problem. The surprising thing is that when we first began our cull of the mess, it looked like we had a ridiculous amount of things that we had to figure out where to put. I thought it would take all week to get this done! Yet, once we put all the trash into 3 large black trashbags (yes, that much!!), the amount of things to put away really wasn’t that much. That task didn’t take that long.

So this got me thinking: isn’t this a common problem for us?

We look at a problem that seems overwhelming, that looks like this mountain that will take all the effort we have left in us to tackle?

Yet, when we get rid of the trash, we are only left with the things that actually matter to us.

This idea could easily be applied to cleaning our homes, of course…but couldn’t it also be applied to obligations we have signed up for, social groups we are part of, friendships, hobbies, work…

What do we find when we prune our trash? Do we see the people around us more clearly? Do we see what we have in a more grateful manner? Do we endeavor to relish the life and relationships that we find hidden underneath with a greater fervor?

Most people have no idea of the giant capacity we can immediately command when we focus all of our resources on mastering a single area of our lives. – Anthony Robbins

This idea of pruning the piles and actually getting rid of it… getting it bagged and completely out of the house… really helps illuminate the life that we so often skim over when it is buried under needless mountains of unimportant trash.

The Platypus Valentine’s

On April 23, 2014April 23, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I am not exactly a hopeless romantic (though, Ben is…)

photo by: EphemeraObscura on Etsy

but I am a stickler with respecting cultural formalities regarding holidays. I’m just a sentimentalist at heart. It’s the XX chromosome in me, which still thinks I can grow up to be Cinderella and talk to squirrels…but on my own terms. I emphatically reject Russell Stover’s. Either be interesting or just don’t, that’s the deal.So, Valentine’s Day was kind of a quandary for me.

When Ben and I were just starting out, we tried going out to dinner a couple times (this may have been just one time…why on earth did we go to Hungry Hunter? Whyy?) on Valentine’s Day. It is the cultural norm, and we just went with it.

Very quickly after (maybe once), we decided we had to make our own traditions. Because those crowds were insane, and the waiters/waitresses were stressed enough already, and I just want to get in and get out and go home. You seriously couldn’t pay me to go to a restaurant on February 14th then, or now.

We just might be introverts, after all!

Anyway, long story short, the tradition we started and kept for years was this: a new Hitchcock film and pizza either or Chinese.

This has been the greatest tradition, because I think we’ve seen all of Hitchcock’s films…even in his British film years. And I wouldn’t really recommend those.

This year we had to re-watch North by Northwest, and it was pretty good. It’s not Notorious, but really…what is?

So, for those of us who think outside the box, here are a few ideas on how to Platypus-Up your Valentine’s:1. Watch Hitchcock films (this is really a fantastic choice, I must insist on it!)

2. Make your own pizza at home (always a great option for us Celiacs!).

3. Go to a whiskey bar (Nihon )

4. Have a themed night, like everything you eat has to start with the letter S: sushi, salmon, snicker ice cream, starbucks, etc. 5.Write a completely epic love note. E.P.I.C.

Don’t:

1. Go see a movie. Spend the night talking with your husband/wife, not staring at a screen.

2. Go to a chain restaurant. Find somewhere really unique and different. Thai or Pho` are always great options.

3. Get standard chocolates. We prefer key lime white buttercream truffles from Sees, but you might like something completely different!

4. Do nothing. The point of being antiestablishmentarian is not to do nothing. The point is to do it BETTER.

5. Stress out. It is the Platypus way to carve our own paths…enjoy carving 🙂

Top 10 Ways You Know You Need To Rest, and 5 Ways To Get There

On April 23, 2014December 31, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn Redefining Motherhood, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So, today has been a long day.

My husband is across the country speaking at a convention, and I’m home with our 5 kids.

All in all, things have gone great! No huge melt-downs, people are still on schedule (for the most part).

I’ve been doing loads and loads of laundry trying to catch up, the kitchen is pretty clean, the bathrooms are clean, martial arts for the older students, martial arts for the younger student, Awanas, prayer group, did a Target run one day and a Costco run this morning, the summer garden has been ripped out and harvested, the garage was cleaned and reorganized (amazingly), I sewed myself a new skirt, have been cooking, taking care of the kids, kept up with homeschooling, tended the dogs, cats and chickens….

What I still have to do is: fold all this beautiful, clean laundry, mop, carpet clean, clean the kitchen (again), two more martial arts days, a birthday party, clean the backyard of chicken poop, and maybe get some writing in.

During this week, I have been feeling something a little off though:

My uterus is twitching.

I thought it was gas for a few days, but it kept twitching. And I didn’t have gas. After two days, I was trying to feel around on my belly to see what was going on, but I couldn’t feel anything.

Just twitching.

I finally googled it, because I honest to goodness took a pregnancy test.

That’s how twitchy my uterus is right now.

What I discovered was that the muscles inside the uterus cause cramping, but the muscles on the outside can twitch and you can feel it. They tend to start twitching when you have increased anxiety, have a load of stress on you, or are overworking yourself.

So there you have it. I am overworking myself to the extent that my uterus is flipping out.

Now that the kids have all gone to bed, and before I settle into bed with a little glass of craft beer, here are 10 ways you know you need to rest:

1. You can’t remember if you took a shower on Monday or Tuesday, but today is Thursday.

2. While sorting laundry you start to think about what to make for dinner, and settle on spaghetti…when all of a sudden, the “h” in spaghetti starts to annoy you. Same with Margherita. Stupid h.

3. You’ve had leftovers for 3 days…and have kind of lost track of what they were actually left over from at this point.

4. You just watched 25 minutes of Yo Gabba Gabba. The kids went to bed over an hour ago.

5. Your back is so tense, you walk like Batman around the house.

6. You have a crazy idea to take some (tame) pictures for your husband, but after locking yourself in the bathroom you get distracted cleaning the baseboards with Q-tips for the rest of the evening.

7. You walk outside to take the trash out and the sun startles you. Mostly because you forgot it was still up.

8. You aren’t sure if the radio is on, or if the ringing in your ears has taken a mamba rhythm.

9. You walk into the bathroom, and there are cotton balls and Q-tips all over the floor, along with the kitty litter and the last clean towel. You grab your toothbrush and use the kitchen sink, instead.

10. Your uterus is twitching.

Now that you know you need to stop, since your freaking uterus is twitching, here are 5 things you can do to relax!

1. Get out of those clothes, woman!! Put on an old shirt, or your husband’s biggest shirt. No bras allowed.

2. Make yourself something nice to eat. Lay off the junk….until after you’ve eaten something with protein. Those are the rules.

3. You are going to need to hydrate before you have a beer or wine. Have 2 glasses of water for every cup of alcohol you have.

4. Rent a movie. Rent a movie you will like, more specifically. This will force you to sit, and maybe even recline.

5. If you must continue to think about work and all the things you did not get to today….just make a list. Then you won’t forget about them tomorrow!

For those who might be concerned, my uterus stopped twitching after I spent 30 minutes in bed with my cats sleeping on me while we started watching a House marathon. Score!

The Wild Vine of Expectations

On April 23, 2014April 27, 2014 By Tamarah RockwoodIn Uncategorized1 Comment

My rejection letter to a certain mothers’ group,

whom had already taken months of my time to get in contact with, had ignored previous application letters, and could hardly eke out terse, two line emails every other week requesting something else from my biography to determine my value and worth within their circle, was satisfying.

The final request was for the names and relationship status of 3 people in my life, with their email addresses and phone numbers.

My rejection letter to their request is as follows:

No, I don’t think so.

If this was a job application, I would be able to provide references; but I should be able to stand on my own merit without the use of outside anecdotal support; which really is just as valid as my own. I can speculate that the references are to support that I am not insane, or that I am truly a creative person, or that I am not a violent person. Again, I think I should be able to speak for myself without the need to have another person vouch for me. In a time when women have the ability to be heard, and after so much work by thousands of women to secure the position of autonomy and individuality, I would find it to be disrespectful to require any woman to find someone else to speak for them, especially in order to secure their value and worth in a community.

It’s unfortunate, since I sincerely thought your mother’s group was a “tribe” of which I could be a part, and I was looking forward to introducing my kids to new experiences. And although I was in great anticipation to broaden my own experiences, there is no way I am submitting myself to the degradation of this request, nor would I subject my friends, whom I love, to your queries of my value.

Thank you for your time, and I wish your group all the best for the future.

Tamarah Rockwood

The thing is, I have run mothers groups before. I solicited speakers, paid childcare to facilitate a few classrooms for about 100 kids and ran meetings that helped new moms through the transition into motherhood as well as connecting with other women who were in the same boat.

I have ran ministries in churches, organized events, written inumerous newsletters for a few organizations. I’ve written plays that were performed in churches, I was the editor for a poetry journal

for a few years, my own book of poetry has been published and I am working on another book.

Besides all this, I am also currently raising 5 kids and homeschooling them while enjoying my 14th year of marriage with my husband.

At this point in my life, when I am asked to fill out yet another questionaire asking about my background, how long have I been a mother, what exactly am I doing trying to get into their mother’s group? Or, how long have you been a Christian? Can you describe your experience, again, to satisfy our curiosity about your salvation, of how you became a Christian, and here are two pages to go into vivid detail exactly what angel visited you…my mind goes to:

“DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM??”

I’ve just had it with filling out forms proving myself to a group before they have even met me.

Now, I know this process is important. I understand that you want to protect yourselves and your kids from intruders. This is paramount to anyone’s hurt feelings.

On the other hand, relationships aren’t formed by filling out forms.

——-

Ultimately, the problem is personal expectations and requiring people to meet, or exceed, your own expectations as well as meeting the standards that the other person/group expects of you.

When I became a mother, I seriously bought into what I saw as the 1800’s periodical image of what a mother should be. I would be cheerful, yet calm; disciplined, yet domestically adventurous; mild mannered, yet firm in my personal values.

I would be able to run a household the same way, daily. I would have the laundry done and my children would always fetch clean, folded laundry from their matching dressers. Dinner would always be at 6, and it would be served in a clean kitchen that was filled with the calm and loving warmth of the family.

I really don’t know what I was thinking.

I couldn’t get all this done before I had kids. But suddenly, magically, all this would happen now that we had children in the house?

I had some crazy expectations for myself, and it took about 5 years to really start to understand this. At this point, roughly 10 years into it, I believe I am firmly in a good place. A place where I am not intimidated by personality requests or differences of parenting styles. But it did take a good, long time to get here.

———

This morning I was watering my grapevines with my 3 year old daughter in the front yard. She has the gardening bug in her, which is so much fun. She helps me dig holes in the garden, plant seeds, harvest grapes, wash everything off in the kitchen. It all comes naturally to her, which is what I like to see in the kids: just introduce as many things, bit by bit, and see who takes to which item. It is so exciting to see how different they each are, and what cultivates their soul.

As I was watching her water the vines, our siamese kitten was playing with the weeds and jumping around the hose beneath my daughter. I thought the moment was so idyllic and peaceful, so heart warming and innocent…and I almost laughed when I remembered all those expectations I had for life when I first started this journey.

This is the best life, and the expectations I have for it, and for me, have changed significantly over the years.

I feel very confident as a mother, but in particular I feel very confident as a woman. I know who I am, and I know what I expect of myself.

I am also able to separate my expectations from those others have for me; and I am not afraid to stand on my own and defend my ground if I feel it is necessary.

The path of motherhood has been much more interesting than I initially thought it would be. In the beginning I thought it would be the same cookie cutter days interlaced with play-doh and parks.

And yet…I have found that I am the master of my own path, and I think I like the road of adventure a little bit better.

By now, at this point in my life, I expect nothing less of myself.

The other day a friend of mine was talking to a coworker about a colleague who was leaving the company. It wasn’t entirely surprising, honestly. He hadn’t been with the company for more than 6 months, and in the short time he was there he struggled with quite a few things, and even more with people.

Primarily, he didn’t understand the company, the company’s products nor the company’s culture. This is a deadly trifecta for someone in leadership, so it just wasn’t exactly a startling announcement.But something he said on the way out was surprising. He was commenting (in a private conversation, for the record) that the friend of mine was “just” a great engineer.

The “just” is, of course, the big kick in the shins. This person is indeed a great engineer, but in this man’s eyes they are “just” a great engineer.

I, of course, was astonished at the gall of this statement, and naturally offended for my compatriot. However, it is such a ridiculous claim that I have been amused by the naiveté and ignorance of the statement. I, as well as the colleagues and friends surrounding us, know the depth and value of this person. We know what they have contributed to the world, and we know there is more yet to come. We know the volumes of knowledge this person possesses, and to what great lengths they go to share, comfort, support and uplift those around them.

There was a card on facebook I read the other day that said, “You know who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building each other up instead of tearing each other down.” This is the kind of sentiment I would associate with this person.

“Just” a great engineer.

This is like saying Einstein was “just” a great physicist. Kirk Douglas was “just” a great actor. Ford was “just” a great engineer. Maya Angelou is “just” a great poet. Like, they could have done so much more with their lives, but they were “just” great at their profession.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

—–

I left the workforce about 10 years ago, and I have to admit something.

I am just a housewife.

I know, it was a huge shocker to me too! I spent 12 years digging myself out of public school, a few years digging my way up and out of college, and all that time I had a job somewhere: sometimes in a real estate office, sometimes in an art gallery, sometimes as a substitute teacher for both private and public elementary schools.

So when I got to the point where Ben and I decided that I would stay home and raise our brood of kids, it was an extremely exciting venture. Kids! And a home! And now we’re homeschooling! I love it!!

However, very quickly into this new path I had the same conversation quite a few times. I would be asked what I do for a living, and I would answer…and the response was: “So, you’re “just” a housewife.”

It definitely took a few years of being kicked in the shins to start building up some thicker skin than I previously had, I’ll say that. But you know what I determined?

This is my path. I did not choose this path because it is an easy path. I did not choose this path because it was the most socially gratifying path. I did not choose this path to make headlines.

I chose this path because it is my path. It is the path that will lead our children. It is the path that will build the foundations and walls of myself as a woman.

And I choose to define myself. No small talk conversation has the authority to give me an identity of “just” a housewife. I learned years ago that you can hear people just fine. However, you are not required to accept a darn word they say.

I choose not to accept being “just” a housewife.

I choose to be an AMAZING housewife. I choose to do INCREDIBLE things with my children’s education. I choose to reject the ideas that what I have chosen to do is belittling to my station in life. Those ideas are naive and ignorant, and the people who believe them fail to see the endless possibilities available. As a housewife I have no contracts binding me, I have no library of endless knowledge shut to me, and I have 24 hours in the day to conquer life. This is a good place to be, my friends.

“Those who lead inspire us… Whether they are individuals or organizations, we follow those who lead not because we have to but because we want to.” ~Simon Sinek

The point of being an excellent wife, mother, woman is to be the inspiration. Goodness knows, I’ve been inspired by some pretty incredible people. I would love to inspire others to do something meaningful, something that will change the world. I am starting with my children.

“Poor leaders push us towards the goal. Great leaders guide us through the journey.” ~Simon Sinek

Keep your eye on the journey, and leave the “just” to the fools.

	George on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Tamarah Rockwood on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Kash on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Tamarah Rockwood on I Have Moved…But Not Too…
	Lisa Kokin on I Have Moved…But Not Too…

	George on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Tamarah Rockwood on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Kash on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Tamarah Rockwood on I Have Moved…But Not Too…
	Lisa Kokin on I Have Moved…But Not Too…

	George on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Tamarah Rockwood on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Kash on Going To Conventions As An INT…
	Tamarah Rockwood on I Have Moved…But Not Too…
	Lisa Kokin on I Have Moved…But Not Too…

The Platypus Directive

Author: Tamarah Rockwood

Christmas Shopping For Your Geek

Chances are, in this day and age, you are some percentage of geek.

Okay, here are the Ten Tinsel ideas I have to help you Christmas shop for your Geek:

A Million Little Rabbit Trails

So You Start Living With This Idea…

Philosophy class should be as terrifying to people as clowns.

Some Frugal Tips From A Frugal Mom: No Coupons

Coupons have always been like little pearls you find, enticing you with hopes and dreams of saving money. And if you use coupons, you really do save money! However, the way I cook and the way we eat over here is very specific, and coupons are of very little use to me.

Think more for less.

Think more for less.

Pruning Your Trash

Sometimes, and I mean normally, people will let little things slide here and there.

The Platypus Valentine’s

I am not exactly a hopeless romantic (though, Ben is…)

Top 10 Ways You Know You Need To Rest, and 5 Ways To Get There

So, today has been a long day.

The Wild Vine of Expectations

My rejection letter to a certain mothers’ group,

The Fallacy of “Just”

You’d Better Be Running.

When I think of things I can do during the day to make me happy, working out is never on the list.