I just watched the trailer for “The Martian,” and to say I am under-impressed is putting it lightly.

My kids are upstairs writing poetry on a free app I downloaded for them last night, and the poems they are writing about the moon have more originality and depth than the screenwriting this movie puts out.

“I’m going to have to science the sh*t out of this.”

“Take that Neil Armstrong.”

A rogue team of astronauts use the power of wit and unremarkable quips to go under NASAs radar to rescue one of their mates before no one notices?

Cool it, Hollywood.  I’ve already seen “Toy Story.”

 

But Matt Damon is rolling in money from all of his formulaic, “I can see the plot holes from orbit” movies.  Plus, it seems like he’s a nice guy with a lovely wife and a few darling kids, so I can’t be all Hater McHate on him.

(not a big fan of his movies)

 

Naturally, this conundrum got me thinking.

Given Matt Damon’s propensity for formulaic movies…I bet I could design a Mom’s Movie from clips of his movies.

*cracks knuckles*

 

Mom’s Town

 

“In a town, there was a man…I mean a woman…who worked for NASA as a top rocket scientist, and volunteered at orphanages on the weekends.  This woman’s world was about to change.

 

 

She remembers her childhood, and playing dolls with her friends, like it was yesterday.  Ah, those were the days of sweet, childhood innocence.

 

 

When suddenly, this woman who fell in love…

And had kids. And got a dog.

 

 

She was now a NASA rocket scientist mom who organizes her kids’ birthday parties…

 

 

When SUDDENLY YOU REALIZE… one of the kids had the flu.

 

This incredible woman who makes Pinterest bento-box lunches for her kids like a pro…

 

 

Diaper changes…

 

And the harrowing moments of trying to sneak away with her SO to have some “adult time.”

 

 

This movie shows the intimate,  funny times when she is bloated after too much kale hummus…

 

the times when she tries in futility to clean the house, after realizing the kids had found her secret chocolate stash….

 

 

 

And the quirky moments when she accidentaly buys something out of her price range on Amazon.

 

“Why can’t I return it??  Amazon has a 90 day return policy!!  This was an impulse buy! I didn’t really want a zoo…I just wanted a pet!  Like a dog!  Or a fish!

There has to be something I can do!!!”

 

“Yes, I’ll hold.”

 

“I have been on hold so long, my hair is falling out. And my fashion sense has changed. I am wearing a scarf.”

 

In the end, she discovers what is really important in life.

 

Family.

fin.