There is nothing more pathetic than cleaning out your harddrive on your laptop, and seeing over 10 years’ worth of old goals and projects that have either come and gone, or never came at all.

I have a proposal written up here to organize a city-wide marathon, supporting churches and church ministries.  I really wanted to get us all on the same page under the banner of love and unity, seeing as there were like, 60 Christian churches in town.  Looking over my proposal is incredible: I had already had a response from the head of the Police Dept. for security and clearance, and a number of groups for booths, such as the local Girl Scout troops.  Unfortunately, we needed a million dollar insurance policy to start that out, and the head pastor said it wasn’t going to happen.

It’s sad that I still have the proposal….10 years later.   It was just too good of an idea to let go.

I have the “Yearly Plans” for my “Poetic Minds” ministry.

“Harbor Light Church-Creative Arts Department-Mission Statement”

And a couple years’ worth of MOPS newsletters I wrote, back when I was the Coordinator for a MOPS group, along with budget plans, spreadsheets and speaker contacts.

These were all goals I had over 6 years ago, all of which died when we moved an hour away.  The house we had been living in back then was a rental, and the owner was moving back from China; so we had to find a new home, stat.  Out here in CA there just isn’t a good place for a large family to live on one income, so we moved out of the Bay Area and into a commuter town that had safe neighborhoods and a good sized house that we could afford within our means.  Moving here has been phenomenal for our family, and I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.

Moving out here has been…a challenge for me.

All of my goals and ideas and plans at the previous church were gone, since we left that large church with gigantic budgets and aspirational goals.  My box in the church office was taken down.  By me.

The MOPS group I was in charge of ended after 2 years since our kids were growing out of the preschool ages.

And the only thing I was doing after we moved was taking care of the house.  No more meetings in conference rooms, no more writing up proposals, no more leading ministries, no more binders for organizing people, no more poetry readings at Easter and Christmas church services…no more poetry reading, at all.

All the things I thought I was working towards were gone when we moved.  I thought I was on my way to be the next Women of Faith back then.  I really did.

But I tell ya, God knows what our hearts want.

And this is what I want:

I want this man

to love me all the days of my life.

I want these children

to build forts together

and to learn how to love as Christ loves us

And I want to watch them succeed

and I want my messy desk to be filled with plans for our family

And I am letting all of my plans from previous years…

go.