Author: Tamarah Rockwood

Wife of Ben, mother of 5, laundry denier, writer, reader, hermit and lover of learning, hater of tupperware parties.

The Blessing Beyond the Pain

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Most of the colored lenses we see life through are installed in our vision when we are young.

This is a pretty straightforward idea.  How do we choose what teams to follow?  Probably the same teams our parents liked, and most likely from our hometown.  I’ve been living in Northern California for the past 20 something years, but I still root for the Dodgers.  They’re my team, and LosAngeles is my hometown.  You could say my sports lens is Dodger blue, because even if I’m watching football I’m rooting for the Dodgers.  I also don’t watch a lot of sports…
Likewise, the lens through which we view pain is definitely instilled in our childhood.  Do you ignore it?  Do you suffer through it?  Do you curl up on the couch and let someone feed you soup?  Do you wail for the whole neighborhood to sympathize with you, or do you retreat in private until the brunt of the storm has passed?
My vision definitely changed when I was 11.  On the way home from school I was hit by a car, and from there was taken by helicopter to UCLA for emergency surgeries sewing my face together, keeping my brain intact from internal bleeding, and slowly sewing my left shin back into a form that once again looked like a leg.  It was pretty serious, it was very difficult for everyone, and it dramatically changed every lens I had on life.  
At the time no one was sure how I would recover.  
I made it through the first night, so I was at least still alive.  
I made it through the week and finally came out of unconsciousness.  But after that, the doctors were looking at the MRIs of my skull, looking at the X-rays of the serious compound fracture that decimated my leg, and started to make professional speculation for my parents.  Where would I be after this week; where would I be later in life?
It wasn’t an optimistic speculation, by any measure.  They might be able to save my leg, but they already have the plans ready to amputate.  They were able to reconstruct my face, and they think once the swelling goes down they will have a better idea of how disfigured I was and possible future plastic surgeries may be necessary.  But what they were most concerned about was the subdural hematoma, or the bleeding in my brain which they had stopped with great precision on the first night.
The subdural hematoma put a lot of pressure on my brain, and there was damage.  This could “mean things,” and it could possibly mean very unfortunate things.
Long story short, they just kept a very tentative eye on me for the next few months.  I was assigned a Special Education tutor to teach me at home, just in case I would be mentally stuck in the 6th grade for the rest of my life, which was the best prognosis the doctors gave us.  
This event took the lenses I had, crushed them, burned them, threw them in a volcano in the middle of Mordor and I was left rebuilding myself and restructuring how I saw the world and how I saw people, and how I saw suffering.  This was my new lens:
I ignored the hell out of it.
It never happened.
The car never existed.
I had no pain.  And I was expected to fall in line and pull my load.
Now, you might be up at arms about this…but I did fall in line, and I did pull my load.  I heard every conversation the doctors had with my parents when my body was broken, and I saw through the platitudes when I was in a wheelchair with a shaved, stitched up head in the middle of suburban LosAngeles during my first year of Jr. High.
I fell in line and kept quiet, because I could see the people who were kind, the people who lied, and the people who bit.  I had survived a horrible car accident, but surviving the social hurdles was a much more strenuous task.
So this was my new lens for pain.
——————-
We go to a prayer group on Tuesday nights, and usually stay way too long afterward chatting with everybody. The evenings are spent discussing food, kids, homeschooling, gardening and what is eating our gardens…besides us…Calvinism, Armenism, focus on the teachings of Jesus, and on, and on into the night. We’re a weird bunch, but we like it a little on the edgy side.
 
The other night I was finishing talking with my friend and gathering my 5 kids, and most of their shoes, to start heading to the car, and my friend warned, off hand, that the road near their house will be closed next week for roadwork; just fyi so you don’t get stuck out there and have to go a few miles around (it’s all country roads out here, so the best shortcut around this road is about 2 or 3 miles through farmlands).  
 
This was very nice of her to let me know, except that I had no idea what she was talking about.  
 
The road leading up to her house will be closed?  That doesn’t make any sense, why would they close down the main road out here… where did she see this?
 
She said, “Well, the signs on the side of the road have been warning people about the closure for about a week.”  And sure enough, as I drove home with the kids and almost all of their shoes, I noticed that, indeed: there were flashing signs saying “This road will be closed between these three dates.”  
 
I literally drove past them innumerable times, and I never read the signs!  
 
Now, I’ll tell you why I didn’t, and it’ll make more sense: it’s because the city has been systematically shutting down small sections of the roads in town for about 5 years now in order to work on the streets.  I am so used to seeing these signs all over town for months/years at a time that I have learned to ignore them, because I don’t expect anything to be done around them.  
 
For instance, there was a road that the city expanded and improved with new streetlights and landscaping and trees, all leading up to the new high school; except, there was a budget problem with the construction company, and they stopped working on that strip of road all together until they were paid for their work.  Ergo, orange cones and wooden barriers and flashing signs were put up around that area for well over a year.  It was finally finished, and at an amazingly quick pace, once the contractor was paid again, and it looks lovely (now).
 
But after all these years of seeing these signs around our small town, I have been trained to ignore them.  The road might be closed, it might open tomorrow…who knows? Yet, in ignoring them, I have also found myself having to do u-turns at dead-ends on major streets and muttering to myself, “I didn’t think the sign was actually serious…”
 
However, this is an indicator to me of being consciously disassociated with events happening right in front of me. I can see the signs, because they are everywhere; but I don’t read them anymore, because I don’t believe them.
 
Now, if you’re following along with this story, maybe you’ll come to the same place I found myself: how many signs does God put up around us to show us His love, and we ignore them?  Maybe the signs are everywhere, and we find ourselves on a dead-end road one time, and decide to disregard every other sign after that.  “It probably got left there on accident,” or “that sign has been there for 10 years, I really don’t think it means anything anymore.” I think we see so many of God’s signs for us, that we second guess them to the point of disbelief, or maybe disregard.
 
—————-
 
If there has been pain in your life for as long as you can remember, it no longer becomes a surprise but is now the “normal.”  You expect to be disappointed, or you just assume you are going to be hurt.  When I was pregnant, the babies sat very far back and right on top of my spine so I had excruciating sciatic nerve pain all day, every day, until the baby was born.  I had to name the canes I was using just to cheer myself up (there was the Caned Crusader, and Ninja Cane).
I expected to be in pain when I woke up, and I was in pain when I went to sleep.  It was no longer a surprise, but was now the normal.  Yet, when I trained myself to ignore the pain, it was also difficult to see the positives as well.  For instance, if I can’t get up and move during the day it encouraged the kids to spend time just hanging out with me in one place.  I had to find crafts that didn’t require me to move around much, which led to more intimate time together sitting at the kitchen table and puttering with things, just talking to each other.  I had to rely on the bigger kids’ lifting abilities to help me get things out of the car or across the house, and that gave them a better sense of responsibility and purpose in our home.
When I couldn’t move, I had to rely on Ben to help me walk from the couch to the bathroom.  He would hold my arm and put his arm around me to help lift me a little while I was walking so maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much.  There were a few times when he actually lifted the bulk that was my pregnant body and carried me up the stairs because it was just too painful to even stand.  Despite being a fiercely independent and prideful woman, I was completely at the mercy of this pain and had to depend on Ben daily to help me with big things, like grocery shopping which was now out of the question unless I used one of those fangled scooters, to small things like walking across the house.
Even though the pain put me on a huge time out, it could be seen as a sign to redirect traffic while the road was being rebuilt.
Even though I trained myself to ignore the pain, I am so glad I didn’t ignore the love that was so obviously in front of me, which would have been so much more painful than anything my body has gone through;  And love is always the blessing beyond the pain.

Discussion Questions

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Discussion Questions:

  1. What are the fruits of your labor?
  2. Why do you think wisdom is so valuable to God?
  3. Why do you think virtuous women are explicitly mentioned as being so valuable to God?  Do you feel that valuable?
  4. What are some things you do as a virtuous woman?
  5. How do you honor your husband?  How does he sing your praises?
  6. Explain the differences between a Strategic leader and a Tactical leader.
  7. How do you glorify God in your life?

Her Emotions

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Her Emotions

Women are emotional beings, and that is just how it is.  The Proverbs 31 woman had more said about her feelings than it did about what she said.
She does him good, she has strength, she is generous to the needy, she is not afraid, she has dignity, she laughs…and she does not fear the times to come, but she does fear the Lord.
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
The perfect woman, according the the internet, can range from one extreme to the next.  I have read in the top 10 things men like about women is their independence, their honesty, their sensuality, their playfulness, their spontaneity.  I was reading one article in Men’s Health magazine that the anatomy of a perfect woman consisted of a woman who laughs at their jokes, she is 2-4 years younger than you, she has brown hair, a woman who smiles, a woman with narrow hips, a woman with larger breasts, they prefer women to wear red, she needs to be educated and employed, and she must have little feet.
None of these qualities are on the radar of God’s description of a virtuous woman.  Our value is not determined by narrow hips, or employment status.  God does not see us as more precious than pearls because we have brown hair.  Our husbands don’t call out our praises at the city gates because we are 2-4 years younger.
The husband in Proverbs 31 praises her because she is a woman who fears the Lord.  She is a woman who does good all the days of her life.  She is a woman who speaks wisdom and kindness in her home.  She is a woman who loves the people around her and makes sure they are taken care of.  She does not have the fear of man buried deep in her soul, she has the fear of God burning in her heart.
Having fear of the Lord is completely opposite of having fear of man.  Fear of man comes in forms of peer pressure, covetousness, people pleasing.  Jealousy.  Unforgivness.  When we put our fear of rejection or our fear of man as the motive of our behavior, actions and reactions, we are not living with fear of the Lord in our hearts.  When we have a fear of the Lord, instead of fear of man, our motives become more loving, more forgiving, more generous.  More hopeful.  But above all that, it brings glory to God, and not glory to us.  
Giving Glory to: 
God
So, let’s break down how we can give glory to God:
1) The Value of the Glory of God
Revelation 21:11
“Having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.”
2) To Whom Goes the Glory: “For My Glory”
Isaiah 43:5-7
“Do not fear, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, And gather you from the west. “I will say to the north, `Give them up!’ And to the south, `Do not hold them back.’ Bring My sons from afar And My daughters from the ends of the earth, Everyone who is called by My name, And whom I have created for My glory, Whom I have formed, even whom I have made.”
3) How Do We Give God the Glory?
1 Peter 4:11
Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
4) Glorify God: In Your Body
1 Corinthians 6:20
For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.
5) Glorifying God: With Everything You Do
1 Corinthians 10:31
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” -Matthew 22:37

Conclusion:

There is no perfect woman in the eyes of men.
But there are excellent women in the eyes of God.

Clothing Herself in Strength and Dignity

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Clothes

Anyone who says clothes aren’t important to women has, 1) never listened to a woman, and 2) never read the Bible.
Case in point: 
Song of Solomon:
1:10 “Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels.”
1:14 “My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi.”
7:1 “How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O noble daughter!”
Shoes are important to us, jewelry is important to us.  They are beautiful and they are fun, and it is okay to enjoy them.  I am just pointing these out to show that God has placed these things in our hearts.
verse 13 “She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.”  So she makes her fabric and material.
17 “She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” 
24 “She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.” 
25 “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”
Clothes are important to her, but what I want to point out is that God is describing her clothes.  Not her armor.  In Ephesians 6 Paul describes the armor of God.  The way God is describing the woman here is not as a warrior, but as a force in the home.  She is not fighting battles in her home, she is lovingly providing for her family.  
The focus is very important to note.  The material she uses are linens that are dyed beautiful colors.  In God’s eyes, she clothes herself with strength and dignity.  She is not a General on the battlefield barking orders and demanding things to be done.  She is wearing soft clothes, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.  Although it is clear she is a woman who can make things happen, who is able to plan ahead and execute on plans, she is not a commanding officer in the home.  I think a lot of times women think they have to be dominant in order to be respected as an authority in the home, but that is not the right tactic.  She is not wearing armor, she is wearing clothes.  She is not in battle, she is in her home.
Which brings us to a crucial component: her husband.

Who Is Her Husband?: Strategic Leaders, Tactical Leaders

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Who Is Her Husband

Or, more correctly, where is her husband?
v. 23“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.”
Her husband is a respected man who stands with the men at the gates of the city.  He is fulfilling the curse in Genesis, declaring man to work:
And to Adam he said,
Genesis 3:17-19
“Because you have listened to the voice of your wife
and have eaten of the tree
of which I commanded you,
‘You shall not eat of it,’
cursed is the ground because of you;
in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;
18 thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;
and you shall eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your face
you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground,
for out of it you were taken;
for you are dust,
and to dust you shall return.”
On the other hand:
16 “To the woman he said,
“I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;
in pain you shall bring forth children.
Your desire shall be for your husband,
and he shall rule over you.”
The nature of woman is to take over.  We fight with our husbands over authority, or we bypass his authority all together and do things our way without consulting him.  Back in the section of 
“What Doesn’t She Do,” I said “ 2) She does not NOT manage her household, forcing her husband to take over.  He is at the gates instead of at home. “  
The husband in Proverbs 31 is at the gates of the city.  He isn’t at home.  He isn’t having to take over the duties of the home because his wife has given up.  He isn’t picking up the pieces around the home because the wife refuses to take authority in the home.  The husband is at the gates, or at work, where he was destined to be.  The wife is at home, taking care of their household with strength and dignity.
 
 
There are two ways of leading: there is the Strategic and there is the Tactical.
 
The Strategic leader is the General of the army, the Elder, the husband.  Jesus is a Strategic leader.  
According to Forbes, “strategic thinking is grounded in a strong understanding of the complex relationship between the organization and its environment. It requires taking a broad view, involving the right people, with important information and perspectives, asking probing questions and facilitating conversations. Strategic thinkers then identify connections, patterns and key issues…
Strategic leaders act in ways that manage the tension between success in daily tasks and success in the long term. “
(http://www.forbes.com/2010/10/27/three-strengths-strategy-leadership-managing-ccl.html)
The Tactical Leader is the Woman and the Holy Spirit:
Tactical leadership is concerned with the here and now, with short-term decisions and risk management for immediate gains. At the tactical level, leaders must balance the needs of team members with the needs of the mission or situation. This often involves negotiating and cajoling followers to cooperate so as to achieve the aim. It also means creating an environment where they are willing to make sacrifices or contribute to the team because of a felt loyalty to the leader and other team members.
There is always a balance in good relationships.  God, Jesus and the Spirit are the most perfectly balanced.  To God is the glory, Jesus is Strategic and the Holy Spirit is with us daily for Tactical guidance.
Likewise, to God goes the glory, the Husband is the Strategic leader and the Woman is the day to day Tactical leader of the household.
This is where the husband is: he is serving God at work, where God told him to be.
The woman is taking care of the home, the clothes, the fields, the food, the children, and…her husband. “she does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”
And likewise, “Her husband also, and he praises her: Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”

What Does She Do

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What Does She Do?

What Does She Do

So, what does this virtuous, excellent woman do?
12 “she does him good”
13 “she seeks wool”
14 “she brings food from afar”
15 “she rises while it is night, provides food for her house and for her maidens”
16 “she considers a field and buys it, she plants a vineyard”
17 “she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong”
18 “She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.”
19 “she puts her hands to raw material and creates useful things”
20 “she is generous”
21 “She is not afraid of snow for her household”
22 “she makes bed coverings for her home”
24 “she makes linen garments and sells them”
25 “she laughs at time to come”
26 “she opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue”
27 “she is vigilant to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness”
This is a huge list!  She puts her hands to many things and provides for her household in many important areas.
She makes sure people are clothed.  She makes sure they have things they need to be comfortable, like bedsheets.  She uses her gifts to sell things in the marketplace, and she understands the value of her merchandise and does not undervalue herself.  She expects the fruits of her labor to be of a certain value, and she receives the fruit of her labor.  She is generous, she is kind, and she laughs at the time to come, and is not afraid of hard times that might happen for her household.  
According to her, they are clothed in scarlet, whose meaning is “double lined,” as scarlet garments are double dipped in the dye, and the Vulgate uses the word “ duplicibus.”  The meaning here is that her family is prepared for hard times because she has given them double the warmth to protect them from the winter snow.
This is a woman who prepares.  She has prepared her family for future winters.
This is a woman who plans and executes on her plans.  She considers a field, buys it and plants a vineyard.
This is a woman who provides.  She brings food from afar, she makes bed coverings, she makes linen garments.
In verse 19 it says, “She puts her hands to the distaff (spinning wheel) and her hands hold the spindle (yarn).”  The Hebrew translation actually comes to “she puts her hands to the spindle and her hands hold the spindle,” but the literal meaning is: she puts her hands to raw material, and is able to make something useful out of it.  She puts her hands to the wool and creates yarn.  This is a woman who is able to use raw materials and create.  She is skillful and pragmatic.
This is a woman who loves.  The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.  Her children rise up and call her blessed, and her husband also, he praises her.  You cannot have these reactions from people who you don’t love with your entire being.
This is a woman confident in her home.  She laughs at time to come, and she is not afraid of the snow.
This is a woman who is confident in the strength of herself.  She dresses herself with strength, and makes her arms strong.  Strength and dignity are her clothing.  
This is a woman who is capable of many things, who is respected by her husband, and who opens her mouth with wisdom with the teaching of kindness on her tongue.
But the most important thing about this woman is that she is a woman who fears the Lord and is to be praised.
That is a bold statement.  That is like if your husband stood on a podium and said, “this is my wife, and although she is an excellent wife in baking, in raising our children, in sewing, in providing us with healthy food…she excels in preparing for times to come and is kind and loving.  But all of this pales in comparison to the love she has for God, and for that, my friends, she is to be praised.”
So what does this virtuous woman do?  She does tons of things!  
But she loves God, and for that, alone, she is to be praised.
What Doesn’t She Do
Okay, so we have a huge list of things this woman does, which is an awesome list. 
So, what exactly doesn’t she do?  What was never mentioned in any of the verses?
1) She doesn’t clean.  It never says ONCE that she cleans.  I just want to point that out.
2) She does not NOT manage her household, forcing her husband to take over.  He is at the gates instead of at home.  Here, I am not referring to husbands who help, which is always a loving thing for wives; I’m talking about when they have to take over managing the household because of neglect.
3) She does not diet.
4) She does not gossip about people
5) She does not slander people’s reputations
6) She does not spend all her time worrying about her looks…she DOES, however, take dignified pride in her clothing and how she presents herself
7) She does not envy, and she is not covetous 
8) She is not mean or spiteful
9) She is not unforgiving
10) She does not abandon her faith

The Value of an Excellent Woman

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Value

Value is something that I believe is more important than people realize.  As a person, we are always looking to see what our value is: Is it in our waistline? Our bank account? Do we find our value in how much we get accomplished every day, or by how much we are praised by other people?  
Our societal value as a woman has definitely changed through the last century.  On one hand, women gained the right to vote in 1920, so that was a huge step for us.  On the other hand, the feminist viewpoint determined that the value of a woman was still not equal to the value of a man, and thus began the struggle for women to be “just as good as men.”
In Proverbs 31, we are going to look to see how God values women.  
“An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.“
The Hebrew word for “jewels” is “paniyn,“ which means “perhaps corals, rubies, jewels.”  
Value is something that can be found in every book in the Bible.  For example, in Leviticus we see the value of offerings in the Temple for different sins: the burnt sacrifice was offering the whole body, while the sacrifice of peace offering had only part of the offering being burnt as a gift for God, and the rest was given to both the priests and to the worshipper.  The burnt offering was symbolic of the “whole man” being offered to God, while the overall symbolism of the peace offering was more of sharing, joint participation, friendship and true worship.  
The value of the offering coincided with the intention of the worshipper.  
In the New Testament we see the element of value in the gifts that were offered to Jesus when he was born, as well as the spices that were used to cover his body after he had died.  “After these things Joseph of Arimathea, who was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, asked Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus, and Pilate gave him permission. So he came and took away his body. 39 Nicodemus also, who earlier had come to Jesus by night, came bringing a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds in weight.” (John 19:38-42)
To put the value of this into perspective:  In today’s market the 75 pounds of aloes and myrrh will sell for $150,000-$200,000.  Joseph and Nicodemus placed great value in their respect for Jesus, and paid their respects in the highest fashion.
What I want to do here is to explore what else God finds so valuable that He describes them as “more precious than jewels.”
Job 28:18 “No mention shall be made of coral or of crystal; the price ofwisdom is above pearls.”
Proverbs 3:15 “She (wisdom) is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her.”
Proverbs 20:15 “There is gold and abundance of costly stones, but the lips ofknowledge are a precious jewel.”
Proverbs 31:10 “An excellent wife, who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels.”
From wikipedia: “Wisdom has, in the Western tradition, been listed as one of four cardinal virtues. As a virtue it is a habit or disposition to perform the action with the highest degree of adequacy under any given circumstance. This implies a possession of knowledge or the seeking thereof in order to apply it to the given circumstance. This involves an understanding of people, things, events, situations, and the willingness as well as the ability to apply perception, judgement, and action in keeping with the under standing of what is the optimal course of action. It often requires control of one’s emo tional reactions (the “passions“) so that the universal principle of reason prevails to de termine one’s action. In short, wisdom is a disposition to find the truth coupled with an optimum judgement as to what actions should be taken in order to deliver the correct out come.”
The reason why wisdom is so important to God is because “ wisdom is a disposition to find the truth coupled with an optimum judgement as to what actions should be taken in order to deliver the correct outcome.” 
It is our pursuit to have wise disposition to first find the truth of God, and then attach that Godly wisdom to a judgement in order to have virtuous behavior, actions and reactions in order to deliver an outcome which will glorify God.  This is why wisdom is important to God.  Solomon was considered the wisest man because he sought wisdom from God first.  John the Baptist was considered wise because he always preached in order to give God the glory.  Ruth was wise because she sought Godly wisdom and counsel before she made any decision.  Sarah was a wise woman because she obeyed God and followed her husband.
Just think about this: The value of an excellent woman is far more precious to God than jewels.  He sees an excellent woman as a virtuous force who is able to accomplish many things, and her children and husband praise her.  
This is not a perfect woman.  God does not praise the perfect woman. There is no value in a perfect woman.  There is no perfect woman listed here.  God finds value in a Godly woman.  She is equally as important to Him as all of the wisdom he spends the entire book of Proverbs defining.  
The value of a virtuous woman is beyond compare in God’s eyes.