5 Completely Unhelpful Parenting Books. From The Devil.

 

 

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Which Publisher is responsible for these hot messes?

Honestly.

It’s like learning how to parent isn’t hard enough as it is.  Finding a book about pregnancy and parenting that fits any person’s particular situation, needs and values is ridiculously difficult.

How do you deal with pregnancy? “With chocolate and warm hugs!”

What if you find out you are allergic to pregnancy hormones?

“…with…chocolate and warm hugs..?  Here, have a gallon of calamine lotion. I’m sorry.”

 

How do you deal with newborns? With toddlers? With texture food issues? With discipline? With your marriage…with yourself??

It takes a mighty strong person to make it through the first 9 months of pregnancy, and that strength helps toughen you up for the first year.  After that…it’s smooth sailing! Just toddler years, preschool, elementary school, growth spurts, first loves, college and grandbabies after that.

Right??

Easy peasy.

 

 

Unfortunately, we have to sort through books of this caliber of nonsense before we get there.

 

1) What To Expect When Your Wife Is Expanding

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http://www.amazon.com/Expect-Expanding-Month-Month-Father/dp/1449418465

I would like to be left in a windowless room for 10 minutes with this author.

Because it isn’t hard enough growing another life inside me, dealing with bloody noses, swollen feet, 30 (see: 50) extra pounds on my gut and hormones that just won’t quit…we have this book.

The sequel to his book should be, “Foolish Men: How To Build The Doghouse of Your Dreams!”

 

2. What The Heck Were You Expecting? A Complete Guide For The Perplexed Father

 

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http://www.amazon.com/What-Heck-Were-You-Expecting-ebook/dp/B003F3PKGI/ref=la_B000AP1SY2_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436998586&sr=1-4

Another gem from this author.

15 minutes in a windowless room.

 

 

3) The Caveman’s Pregnancy Companion: A Survival Guide For Expectant Fathers

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http://www.amazon.com/The-Cavemans-Pregnancy-Companion-Expectant/dp/140273526X/ref=pd_sim_14_28?ie=UTF8&refRID=0KHVHG2MDM8XXHKCAXAA

It’s like there is this complete lack of domain knowledge for fathers during pregnancy. Weird.

 

4) Expect The Unexpected When You’re Expecting

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http://www.amazon.com/Expect-Unexpected-When-Youre-Expecting/dp/0060951354

 

Hey, one for the ladies!

This opinionated handbook solves the expectant mother’s fashion crises (including the Protruding Bellybutton Dilemma and Outgrown Maternity Clothes); gives you 1,001 (well, maybe six) ways to avoid sex in late pregnancy; helps you select the least wimpy name for your baby; tells the truth about just how much the “nesting syndrome” will cost you; and much more than you’ll ever need (or want) to know!

Just from my POV: all the hormones in coitus helps initiate labor/birth. Which might be helpful…particularly in the last stretch of the pregnancy. Just sayin’. Don’t knock it till you try it.

 

5)  Heck With It…

“Guide to Pirate Parenting: Why You Should Raise Your Kids As Pirates, and 101 Tips on How to Do It”

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http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Pirate-Parenting-Should-Pirates/dp/1583852913/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1437001189&sr=1-1&keywords=guide+to+pirate+parenting&pebp=1437001195158&perid=1BHNMEHFM21VB71WF4DK

 

Chuck it all, and raise them as pirates.

Hey, what’s the worst that could happen?

 

 

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