This is the AXO Sorority.

Listen. They clearly have their deal together. Considering I am eating reheated refried beans with leftover cheese, in a hoodie and size 12 jeans, I ain’t got nothin’ on AXO.  Except a degree.  And maybe a few other things.  I’m just saying…they look like very lovely young ladies.

So what is this Polish Week and AXO?

As Huffington Post puts it, “This Sorority’s Pre-Rush Week Beauty Standards Are Pure Madness.“

I have no idea what Polish Week is.

Which makes sense, since I am a SAHM in her mid 30s, and not a 20 year old in a sorority.  I googled it, and got “The Calendar of Poland,” which just goes to tell you how uninformed we all are of this beauty regiment.

 

Even when I was in college, I wasn’t in a sorority.  I was in my early 20s, married and working, and sorority sisters just got under my skin.

Mostly because I was a loner and a jerk; but also, they ended every sentence with a question?  I was an English Major.  We didn’t pull that stuff.

 

However, the AXO Sorority made the news with their email of “Personal Development/Recruitment Info” tips.

More specifically, how to Polish yourself before (not during, you troll!) the week.

It was a good list, honestly.  Stuff about eyebrows making or breaking your face, and something about nude wedges.  Pretty basic stuff.  It didn’t have things on it like, “Make sure you wear your gold bikini to class, not the teal bikini! The teal is only for after class!”

And yet….

I couldn’t help but wonder what a homeschooling, mid-30s mother of 5 would post for her Polish Week list…

<insert dream sequence>

 

“Hi Everyone!

Polish Week is right around the corner, and I have a list of everything you might need!

This list is also available in .pdf as an attachment, as well as posted on facebook. Please be careful who you Share this list with, though.  Your MIL and BFF may not appreciate grooming tips as much as you think they might.

 

Spanx

I cannot stress enough how important Spanx are for taking up room in your underwear drawer.

However, if you would like to wear spanx (because it is awesome. Not gonna lie.), please do not get the size you were before kids.  You will look like an overinflated American Girl.  Be realistic and buy the size you are now. 

credit

Hair

Please brush your hair.  Try to avoid stuffing your hair into a hair claw or oversized flower clip.  The flower will not distract people from a mess.  If you don’t remember how to cut your bangs at this point, ask your 17 year old cousin.  She can help you look modern and stylish, and not out of a 1987 JC Penny’s catalog.

 

Eyebrows

If you choose to pluck your eyebrows:  Maybe you should go to the mall and find one of those threader places.  Don’t try plucking your eyebrows in the bathroom while the kids are trying to find you.  You will do a rushed job, and nothing is worse than lopsided eyebrows.

If you choose to not pluck your eyebrows: Yeah, I don’t know.  I’ve never done it, either.

 

Nails

If your toenails still have specks of paint from when you went to the beach 7 months ago, now is a good time to repaint them.

Also, go to the store and buy a new jar of fingernail polish for yourself.  Do not use the set your daughter got for Christmas, even though the colors are totally awesome.  Find a color that will actually match some of your clothes.

 

Makeup

Before you begin, find all the make up you have stashed in your purse and jacket pockets and put them in your bathroom drawer again.  It will be so much easier to do your make up in one shot, rather than in the car.

Start with foundation and finish with lipstick, and try to resist going for the Hollywood drama look.  Try to keep to colors that enhance your natural beauty; now may not be the time for Hunger Games yellow mascara.

I know Kate Winslet can get away with it, but at some point we have to admit: we are not Kate Winslet.

Mmmmm…Kate and Willoughby. 

On Social Media

Please make sure your profile pics are something nice.   Do not use the picture on your Moms Night Out where you are in a visibly not sober state!  Remember, your MIL reads your facebook page, and she will bring this up at the next birthday party.

Again.

 

As always,

Fellow Mom”

 

/I’m not doing any of this.