No, we are not nobility.

 

I kind of love Gwyneth Paltrow.

There is something mesmerizing about her.  Something otherworldly.  Something…so completely out of touch with reality, I just can’t look away.  I flipped through her cookbook once, and honestly it wasn’t that bad.  I mean, granted, when she was talking about how much she loved apples, she was referencing an apple orchard she used to run through as a kid somewhere on the East Coast…Cape Cod or Martha’s Vineyard, or some epic place we have never heard of before; and furthermore, if I ever wanted to enjoy those apples, I would be arrested for touching sacred apples on sacred land.

But, she had some good recipes for apples in her sacred scrolls we refer to as a “cookbook,” so it’s not all bad.

 

On the other hand, I refuse to accept her as Pepper Potts, so there’s also that.

 

 Is this door gluten free? Because I can only touch gluten free doors.

 

The fact of the matter is that she is a hard working woman raising kids with her uncoupled husband, and really doing well for herself.  I can’t fault her for being successful.

However.

I am totally going to make fun of her Gift Guide.  Because it is pretty epic, in only an epic way GOOP could manage:

 

 

 

1) Easy Health  Angel Juicer,Gold – $5,000

 

GOOP Description : “Absurd, but awesome.”

My Description: I bought a juicer once, years and years ago. It was pretty expensive for me at the time ($80-ish?).  Turns out, I’m not a juice person. I used it a few times, but I was so underwhelmed with juice, I just walked away and didn’t clean it. So mold/fruit flies got in, and it never worked again. I’m just not that excited about juice.

Know what I am excited about? Purple Vespas that are worth $5,000

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Travel Backgammon – $550

GOOP Description: “Hours of entertainment in one slick little case.”

My Description: I know when we are on a 14 hour road trip, there is no other game the kids will want to play in the backseat than backgammon.  When you are driving over the bumpy California highways, those little pieces stay right where they are supposed to be and no one gets so angry that they throw the board out the window! (that might be me. Not the kids.)  Ah, the hours and hours of my childhood playing backgammon.

No, actually…I have only played it once and then stopped because it is so mind-numbingly-boring.  Hours of entertainment??  Are you kidding??

The funniest part is this:

 If you scroll down her list, you can find this backgammon set for only $120! It’s a   steal!!

 

 

 

 

 3)  Indoor/Outdoor Foosball Table – $3,500

 

GOOP Description: “A total investment, but the kid in us can dream.”

My Description: This thing looks like it is made out of aluminum, and I guarantee you it is going to break before Christmas dinner is served.  The site describes it as, “An all-terrain foosball table for the all too-dedicated foosball competitor.”  Which means you can put this on your personal ice rink, you can bring it on your private Lear Jet, it can fit in your marble bathtub or you can set it up in the nanny’s quarters…because you certainly don’t want to be listening to this racket all night.

 

4) French/Spanish Bingo – $16

GOOP Description: “Why not mix it up?”

My Description: I’m a little confused. It’s only $16 and not plated in gold.  Is this for the kids?  Really. You are going to spend $16 on your kids. And it’s not gold plated.

I don’t get it.

Auch nahm ich Deutsch in der Schule, so dass dies nichts fur mich.

 

 

 

5) Bruder Toys Mack Granite Garbage Truck – $80 

 

GOOP Description: “It’s like toddler crack.”

My Description: This has to be the best one on her list. It’s just a plastic truck on Amazon, but “it’s like toddler crack.” Is this what blue collar workers get their kids?  $80 trucks?  It’s like going to Africa and buying the regional clay jars they use to make food, and putting it on your counter as art.  You’re kind of missing the point.  But the toddler is happy.  I mean, it’s crack.  Who isn’t happy on crack?

 

6) LEGO: Build the Maersk ‘Triple-E’ container vessel – $149 

 

GOOP Description: “This is for the advanced Lego tech.”

My Description: My kids are into Legos.  Show me one kid who isn’t.  But…I’m a little iffy on this choice.  A Maersk container vessel?  Not Star Wars, not castles, not something imaginative…a Maersk container vessel?  Nothing says “Mom doesn’t get Legos” like a Maersk container vessel.  No offense to Lego Corp.

 

 

7. McDonald’s Lid – $115

 

GOOP Description: “Tom Sachs tackles the McDonald’s coffee lid.”

My Description: I had to stare at this for a good, full 5 minutes to convince myself this was actually what I was looking at.

This is…a plate. Sculpted to look like a McDonald’s coffee lid.

I try not to get too butthurt about class wars, but this kind of stuff always bothers me.  The other day I was remembering about the day we visited Harvard.  It’s a hallowed place in America, and we were in the area: why not check it out.  So we took the family to a hamburger joint nearby, and they had the “Blue Collar Burger.”  This burger had nothing on it but a pickle, because blue collar workers can’t afford anything else.  I was so pissed off at this, it just drove me nuts.  I hate looking down your nose at people, whether they have money or not.  This kind of “art” that trivializes different classes will never sit well in my soul.  Off soapbox.

 

8) Lemon Cypress Tree – $39.95

 

GOOP Description: “A gift that literally keeps on giving.”

My Description: I just want to be clear that this is a cypress tree.  Not a lemon tree.  It is an evergreen tree that you can put on your table.

Soo, this tree doesn’t give you anything.

I literally can’t even.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, let’s speed things up….

 

Clothes, House Accessories and a Thermos:

 

 

A custom painting of books. – $250

 

 

 

 

 

“So much fancier than a paper carton” – $12

 

 

 

 

It’s salt. Who gives a pound of salt for Christmas? – $18

 

 

 

Nail bangle – $7,600

 

 

 

 

“For mid-flight naps.” Because I can always sleep with my kids mid-flight. – $52

 

 

 

 

 

You can either wear this, or the blanket on the back of the couch. It’s up to you. – $3,190

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 GOOP: “Not exactly flattering, but so good.” 

Sexy, flattering bathrobes are found at Trashy, anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

I know when I think about Christmas for my daughters, I think gold hot pants. – $54

 

 

It’s a glass jar. – $480

 

 

 

 

 

It’s something, that’s for sure. – $12,000

 

 

 

 

 

 

National State Park Thermos.  For Christmas. Another hard to beat gift. – $39.50 

 

 

 

 

 

and finally…. 

 

 

Rosebud. – $Priceless.